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The Happy Stitcher
Jokes and Poems

ENJOY!

I STARTED A CROSS-STITCH THE OTHER DAY
IT'S NOT MY FIRST I'M AFRAID TO SAY
I'VE STARTED AT LEAST A HUNDRED AND ONE
AND ONLY A HANDFUL OF THESE ARE DONE
MY PROBLEM IS SIMPLE, PLAIN AND EASY TO SEE
I'M HOOKED ON CROSS-STITCH, IT'S NOT AS BAD AS COULD BE
I DON'T DRINK OR GAMBLE, I JUST SIT AND STITCH
THIS IS MY WEAKNESS, MY PASSION, MY ITCH
EACH PROJECT I BUY IS EXCITING AND NEW
I CAN'T WAIT TO GET STARTED, SO THAT'S WHAT I DO
I STITCH ON THE NEW PIECE, FORGETTING THE OLD
THAT MAKES ONE MORE PIECE IM PUTTING ON HOLD
IF I BOUGHT NO MORE PROJECTS EVER AGAIN
I'LL STILL NEVER FINISH IF I LIVE TO BE ONE HUNDRED AND TEN
SO I'LL KEEP RIGHT ON BUYING FOREVER MORE
(I'M A PREFFERED CUSTOMER AT MY LOCAL CRAFTS STORE)
AND WHEN MY TIME COMES, IN STITCHES HEAVEN I'LL BE
WITH ENOUGH UNFINISHED PROJECTS TO LAST THROUGH ETERNITY
I'LL SIT AND I'LL STITCH ALL THE DAY THROUGH
AND I MAY FINISH A PROJECT, MAYBE EVEN TWO

 

 

A QUICK CROSS-STITCH JOKE

A cross-stitcher was very naughty in this earthly life and didn't go to heaven.  At the gates of Hades, she was met by the Devil.  "Welcome," he said, smirking at her.  "Let me show you around your eternal home."

The Devil led her to a large room that looked uncannily like a large needlework shop.  The stitcher blinked her eyes, wondering if what she saw was an illusion.  No, it was true.  The most wonderful needlework shop she had ever seen was right before her.  Still unbelieving, she asked, "Is this real?"  "Of course," murmered the Evil One.  "Reach out and touch it."

The stitcher was worried that she would be zapped by 1000 volts, but reached out anyway, unable to help herself.  IT WAS REAL!  "May I look around?" she asked excitedly, all the while thinking,
This can't be Hell!  This is too good!  "Of course," said the Devil.  "This is your eternal reward."  The stitcher began to survey the particulars of her damnation.  There was every chart ever published, including all the ones that were out of print in her lifetime and could never find.  There was a full run of each needlework magazine, including all the old ones with the historical examples - and each issue was pristine.  She continued to look with wonder.  Every thread imaginable was there; silks, cottons, metallics, pearl cottons, over-dyeds, hand-dyeds, rayons and twisted-rayons (Yes, maybe I am in Hell
, she thought when she saw those)

Her eyes lit up when she saw the piles and piles of fabrics.  There were bolts and bolts of every colour and every type.  An array of beautiful thimbles were hers for the choosing, as were scissors and clever needlework gadgets; all organised just as she would have done it on earth.

And there, beside her favourite earthly stitching chair, were all her unfinished projects! 
Yes, she thought,
you can take it with you.  I have all the time I want now.  I'm going to finish them at last.

The stitchers fingers were just itching to get going!  She turned to Beelzebub and said, "THIS IS HEAVEN ! ! ! "

"No," he rejoined.  "This is Hell. 
DO YOU SEE ANY NEEDLES?"

SMILING

SMILING IS INFECTIOUS
YOU CATCH IT LIKE THE FLU
WHEN SOMEONE SMILED AT ME TODAY
I STARTED SMILING TOO
I PASSED AROUND A CORNER
AND SOMEONE SAW MY GRIN
WHEN HE SMILED I REALISED
I HAD PASSED IT ON TO HIM
I THOUGHT ABOUT THE SMILE
AND THEN REALISED ITS WORTH
A SINGLE SMILE LIKE MINE
COULD TRAVEL ROUND THE EARTH
IF YOU FEEL A SMILE BEGIN
DONT LEAVE IT UNDETECTED
LETS START AN EPIDEMIC QUICK
AND GET THE WORLD INFECTED

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HAPPY STITCHING!